There are a lot of reasons why I’m convinced a semi-Paleo lifestyle is a better choice than any of my former dietary portfolios. ‘Ease of baking’ is one of the less advertised advantages - and rightfully so, considering it spits in the face of most typical ‘why paleo?’ discussions *.
That said, pretty much everything that I fail at in baking**is slightly less important in paleo treatery. I suspect, and multiple scientific studies support my hypothesis, that measuring and timing factors become obsolete when magic occurs in your oven. When I put nuts and eggs in a pan, there’s no other plausible explanation as to how bread comes out. God himself enters your oven, sees your paleo treats and rewards you for this tedious undertaking – he can only nod approvingly at the similarities within a nuts:bread :: water:wine ACT question. ***
And evidence of this fact is only a single failure in paleo baking in almost 5 months of experimentation ****. Naysayers like to point out that all of my recipes, with the exception of that single failure, are retrieved by my very favorite blog for treats and some very Jenna-esque ramblings - this one.
Naysayers can kiss my butt. God is all around … so is love according to Hugh Grant*****. So that makes the entire statement true.
Unfortunately, where my treats are being looked after and sprinkled with fairy dust as they bake – the same luck isn’t applied to my ventures in the grocery store. Medjool dates are laughably difficult to find and I swear I get a, ‘are you wunna dem strange hippies from da east side?’ look every time I ask about UNsweeteened coconut flakes.
That is, until I found the mecca for strange east side hipsters – Outpost. For years I’ve complained about their laughable prices and reminisced about how their $14 log of marzipan sent me skidding to the Whole Foods in a snow storm ******. And while their prices still remain absurd, they reeled me in with one word. Bulk. Then five more. Medjool Dates and Unsweetened coconut.
And then came the fateful day that I decided we were eating too much junk food******.
There my lovely new ingredients sat … waiting for their time. Sing-songedly chanting, ‘jenna, you know that goo you tried to make with regular old Sunkist dates?? I can redeem that goo into something unforgettable.’
Pint after pint of Purple Door Icecream, I remained steadfast in my resolve to banish treats from the house. Cheat day donut after cheat day candy bar, I thought it ridiculous to have a go at a junk food “wanna-be” when the real thing was in my grasp. Even the hypocrisy of evenings full of sugary sweet cider couldn’t incite even the tiniest waiver in my decree.
Until, that is, mumma Jenna announced that she was making Juli’s Fudge for our north woods labor day retreat. And, somehow, my beliefs were muddied and my resolve diminished. Vanilla Bean Carmelitas here I come.
Vanilla Bean Carmelitas – a PaleOMG recipe
FYI – I’m prepping and making this jazz at the cottage … recipe is modified as such
CRUST
1 c of almond butter (or 1.5ish cups of almonds, turned into almond butter.)*********
¼ c unsweetened shredded coconut (or, you know, however much you accidently throw in the bowl)
2 eggs
1 T cinnamon
½ t baking soda
½ t baking powder
Pinch of salt
TOPPING
12 dates
5 tablespoons canned coconut milk
3 tablespoons water
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 vanilla bean pod, cut in half lengthwise, seeds scraped out with a knife
1 cup roasted, unsalted cashews
1/4 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
2 tablespoons raw honey
1 tablespoon cinnamon
pinch of salt
1/2 cup dark chocolate chips
Instructions
1. Place dates in a bowl of water to soak and soften for 30 minutes.
2. While your dates soak, make your almond butter (if necessary) than plunk everything but the eggs in a tupperware container.
3. Seal and ‘fridgerate.
4. De-pit your dates and toss ‘em in the food processor and pulse until dates have broken down - if your food processor is anything like mine, it’ll do a little dance and make a little noise.
5. Then add your coconut milk tablespoon by tablespoon to the dates while the food processor is still running. Then add your water as well.
6. Add your vanilla extract, cinnamon, vanilla beans, and pinch of salt and mix together. Food process for 30 seconds – 1 minute.
7. Once the caramel is done in the food processor, use a spoon to scoop it out and place in a new Tupperware container.
8. Pulse your cashews until they’re crunched up. Then add your shredded coconut, honey, cinnamon, and a pinch of salt and pulse down once more.
9. Once everything has begun to combine, use a spoon to scoop out of the food processor, place in the same container with your caramel.
Note: Mixing probably isn’t necessary – but if the mood strikes you, and your Tupperware container is too small because you didn’t read the recipe to know that you were putting two things into the bowl, your finger makes an excellent poking device … and it’s never a disappointment when you have to lick ‘em clean.
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| It DOES strangely resemble puke. I apologize. |
10. Fridgerate that too.
11. Put something you need to bring with you tomorrow in the fridge with your Tupperware, eggs and chocolate chips. I apologize if you spend 15 minutes running around trying to think where you put said item – but you won’t forget your treat ingredients!!
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| Tucked away and ready to go to Nanna's! |
** accurate measuring, using measuring utensils, timing, not eating all of the batter before I put the cake in the oven …
*** How many times must I compare miracles performed by God’s only son to my own kitchen ventures before I am irrefutably banished to hell?
****I should have known that a paleo blogger who decides eggs aren’t necessary in his chocolate chip cookies is probably not a blogger my parents would be keen on my being friends with.
*****yes, an allusion to Love Actually. And yes, I know that quote is not an original Hugh Grant.
******oh petite fores – how I rue the day you entered my life!!!
*******see how wifey I am already – deciding by myself the errors in our lifestyle and rectifying them as I see fit.
********it really is amazing that I didn’t end up some slutty, drug-crazed thief in college with a mind as malleable as mine.
*********you fools eating natural peanut butter garbage. At some point I convinced myself that I preferred the unsweetened variety of peanut butter. That was about the same time I through light ranch tasted like the real thing ... or maybe the time I thought vegan lunch meat tasted OK. Spend the extra $2 bucks and actually ENJOY unsweetened almond butter. It will change your life … and you will lick out the food processor bowl, if you make it yourself, like the fury dude going at the Styrofoam containers that held your raw steak.
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| You'd never guess I had an extra 3 or 4 TBS of almond butter, would ya? |
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